Hogan's Heroes Secret Hobbies
by Metoria
Summary: Shultz stumbles across the Heroes’ secret hobbies. How long will he last when sworn to secrecy? Find out the men’s secret hobbies.
1. Chapter 1 Carter

Secret Hobbies-

Chapter 1- Carter

Summary: Shultz stumbles across the Heroes' secret hobbies. How long will he last when sworn to secrecy? Find out the men's secret hobbies.

…

The men were out of the camp on work detail removing the heaps of autumn leaves from the road. The men didn't see why they were the ones who had to rake the leaves. So what if some German officer drove into a heap of leaves causing him to lose control of his car, go off the road, crash and die. The prisoners certainly didn't care. It's not like it was that huge of a loss anyway. But apparently Klink cared, and with a threat of no privileges for two weeks hovering over their heads, they had no choice but to comply.

Shultz was keeping a close eye on the men… or as close as he could, considering he was hungry and was thinking of other things. After straying in his thoughts about liverwurst, strudel, and wiener-schnitzel he finally brought his mind to the present an to reality. He looked around him. All the men were almost finished working. But wait a minute… Where was Carter?

Schultz quickly did a scope. He saw someone in a tree off in the distance out of sight of the other men. Only his legs would really be seen. Shultz went closer. They were picking leaves. It was Carter. He walked up to the tree and saw the young man straddling the branch he was on. His arms were full of leaves; very full of leaves in fact. Good thing he was smart enough to check the trees. (He actually just got lucky).

Shultz looked up at him. "Carter, what are you doing?"

"Hey Shultz, I'm just uh, sight seeing." Carter seemed nervous.

"Were you trying to escape?" Shultz pulled out his gun, suspicious of Carter.

"No." Carter spoke bluntly.

"Then what are you doing?" Shultz lowered his gun.

"Just, uhm, okay if I tell you, you have to promise not to tell the guys!" Carter was so serious that Shultz could only agree.

Carter looked around, the men were still working. Lucky for him the leaves of the tree hid most of him. He was surprised that Shultz had even found him. "Well, I like to collect leaves and press them."

Shultz didn't see the big deal. "Why don't you want the other men to know?"

"Because, that's what grandma's and girls do! They would think I'm some sort of sissy." Carter stopped, looked down at the ground then at his arms. "Hey Shultz, can you help me down? I'm kind of stuck."

Shultz sighed and put his gun against the trunk of the tree then went to help Carter out of the tree. Carter tossed his leg over the branch and Shultz helped him so he didn't fall.

Once he was on the ground he quickly and carefully stuffed the leaves into his jacket. He looked down. "Ooh!" He leaned down and picked up another leaf. He turned and found another; he picked it up.

There was yet another he wants and leaned down to pick it up. He looked over to the men. They hadn't noticed him picking up the leaves.

Shultz laughed when he saw the young American walking around picking up leaves. "You know Carter, raking is easier than picking them up one at a time."

Carter chuckled at that. He could just rake and grab an arm full of leaves, but he didn't wan ugly ones.

When he thought he had enough leaves he turned and went to join the other men. "Thanks Shultz." Then stopped. "And you can't tell anyone!"

Shultz agreed.

Then Carter asked, "Wanna help me find some really pretty leaves?"

Shultz threw his arms at his side. "Carter, we need to be getting back to camp soon. And you're supposed to be raking the leaves off of the road not picking them up." He shooed Carter over to the road and the young man continued his work.

Hogan approached Shultz. "Hey Shultz, what was that all about?"

"What was what all about?" Shultz had made a promise after all.

"Carter. You brought Carter out of the woods. What was he picking up from the ground? I couldn't see what it was." Hogan looked over to the young man who was raking once again, but he kept adjusting something inside his jacket. Hogan looked back at Shultz. "What does he have?" Hogan's voice was like a father who knew his son had another stray kitten that had been picked up on his way home from school that he was hiding from his father. In Carter's case he wouldn't be surprised if it was a stray kitten or an animal of some kind.

Shultz shook his head. "I know nothing!"

Hogan figured as much. "Uh-huh." He wasn't convinced. "Well, I'll find out sooner or later."

Carter looked over to here Shultz was standing and saw Colonel Hogan walk up to him and start talking. He saw the colonel look over to him and he quickly looked down at the ground. 'Shoot!' He knew the colonel saw something. He watched Shultz. Shultz shook his head, he heard him say he 'knew nothing'. That relieved Carter for the time being. But he had to be careful. The colonel was suspicious which meant he'd keep a pretty close eye on him. He'd have to sneak down into the tunnel and put the leaves in a safe spot.

Once the road was cleared of leaves, Carter and the men were led back to camp. Carter waited to go into the barracks to throw the colonel off his trail.

Hogan waited for Carter to come back to the Barracks but when he saw he was hanging around outside he decided to try and get some more information from Shultz. It shouldn't be too hard right? Wrong!

Shultz didn't say anything except that he knew nothing. "Carter said he was just sight seeing and that he was stuck in the tree. I helped him out of the tree and that is all." Shultz hoped the colonel would give up.

"And what was he picking up and putting in his jacket?" Hogan asked knowing Shultz wouldn't be able to make a very good excuse.

Shultz looked at him. "You saw that?" Shultz asked worried.

"Yes." Hogan was getting somewhere.

"Well, I didn't!" Shultz said ending the conversation.

Hogan shook his head. He looked at the barracks and saw Carter go in.

Shultz did also. Shultz decided to distract the colonel before he could get to the barracks. "Ah! Colonel," He ran in front of the officer. "Uh uh. Do you have the time?"

Hogan knew what Shultz was doing. He quickly moved around Shultz who called after him and ran into the barracks startling the men.

"Gov'ner?" Newkirk stood up. "Is something' wrong, sir?"

Hogan looked around. Carter wasn't up there. "Where's Carter?"

"He went down into the tunnel. Why?" Kinch sat at the table with a cup of coffee before him.

Hogan walked to the bunk and was about to open it when it opened on its own. Carter climbed up and greeted the colonel. "Hello, Sir." Carter seemed casual enough.

"Is something wrong sir?" Newkirk asked.

Hogan thought it best not to bring the matter to attention. It probably wasn't anything serious. But if he brought in another lizard to the barracks and it crawled into his bunk again Carter was going to get a serious lecture about bringing in animals without his consent. He Lebeau had a similar problem. He once brought in a dog after all, but Lebeau was nothing compared to Carter. "No nothing is wrong. I just didn't see Carter coming back. I guess I got worried." He lied to bring the men at ease.

He'd drop it for now. He decided to go see Shultz again.

"Shultz just tell me one thing."

"What's that Colonel Hogan?" Shultz asked. He knew the colonel wanted to know about Carter.

"Did Carter bring back an animal of any kind?"

Shultz was relieved. "Oh no, Colonel. I would not allow it!"

Hogan could tell from Shultz's attitude he was telling the truth. "Alright, thanks."

Hogan left relieved he wouldn't find another lizard in his bed again. At least he hoped not.

[AN] My dad actually said once to me while I was collecting leaves, "You know raking them is a lot easier than picking them up one at a time." Dad is so funny! Hope you enjoyed the first chappy! Newkirk is next.


	2. Chapter 2 Newkirk

Secret Hobbies-

Chapter 2- Newkirk

…

…

Newkirk sat alone on the side of the barracks. Everyone knew he sewed but no one knew he sewed this. They figured he was just fixing someone's sock or something small like that. If they knew what he was really sewing he'd never hear the end of it. He was very careful about where he sewed and was careful not to get caught.

Quickly stitching one more piece onto the piece he was working on he didn't hear Shultz come up behind him. "Ah Newkirk,"

At hearing the voice the Englander nearly jumped out of his skin. "Sh-Shultz!" He stuffed away his project and stood up quickly. "What do you want?"

Shultz eyed him. "Wh-why are you so nervous?"

"No reason! I'm not even nervous. What makes you think I'm nervous?" Newkirk turned, ready to walk away.

Shultz took a step forward slightly and grabbed his elbow. Newkirk turned abruptly away from Shultz and that's when he saw it. It fell out of Newkirk's pocket. He leaned down and picked it up. Newkirk stood stiff. 'Shoot!' He was busted. Now the whole camp would know!

In Shultz's hand was a small doll's dress. "Newkirk, I didn't know you made doll clothes. You do wonderful work. Could you make my niece some doll clothes? She loves dolls." Shultz admired the handiwork.

Newkirk ripped it out of Shultz's hand and stuffed it back into his pocket. "You can't tell a soul!" His voice was harsh and threatening.

Shultz had a bad feeling about this. He already promised Carter he wouldn't tell anyone about his secret hobby, now Newkirk was swearing him to secrecy.

"I know nothing!" That was all he could say. That was all he knew to say in instances like that.

"Look, uh, I have a niece too. That's who I make these for." Newkirk didn't look Shultz in the eyes when he spoke.

Shultz wasn't sure if Newkirk was just nervous or if he was lying. So instead he just shrugged. It didn't really matter. Shultz didn't see what the big deal was. Of course he was once in charge of a famous toy company. So making toys and clothes for toys wasn't that big of a deal to him.

Newkirk made sure his work was safely in his pocket before walking away. He looked back giving Shultz a warning glance before continuing.

Lebeau came up behind Shultz with a plate of strudel. "Hey Shultz!" He yelled loudly scaring the large German sergeant.

Shultz spun around frightened "Lebeau! Don't do that!" Then he saw Lebeau holding the strudel. "Oh!" He reached for it but it was pulled away just before he could get a piece.

"What were you and Newkirk talking about?" Lebeau asked mischievously.

"I know nothing!" Shultz shook his head determined not to say a word.

"Well if you don't know anything, you don't get anything." Lebeau turned and walked away.

"Wait!" Shultz called. He wanted at least a piece of the strudel.

Lebeau turned and smiled. "Yes?"

"I can't tell you." Shultz said honestly.

Lebeau frowned and turned to walk away again.

"Wait!" Shultz had another idea.

Lebeau turned back. "Yes?"

"Can I make something up?" Shultz asked with hope.

Lebeau frowned, turned away and began walking. He called back. "Don't tell Newkirk I asked."

Shultz could only watch in sorrow as the Frenchman walked away with HIS strudel. Shultz hated keeping secrets, he missed out on so much because of them.

"Shultz!"

Shultz jumped from the voice from behind. It was Newkirk. "Newkirk don't do that!"

"What were you and Lebeau talkin' about?"

Shultz sighed. 'Not again.' He could be honest he supposed. But Lebeau didn't want him to say anything. "I know nothing!"

"Oh really?" Newkirk didn't believe that." You were talking about me weren't you!"

"No!" Shultz didn't really talk about Newkirk, not really anyway.

"Remember your promise mate; you can't tell a soul!"

Shultz nodded defeated. These foreigners were so strange to him.

[AN] Now on to Hogan!


	3. Chapter 3 Hogan

Secret Hobbies-

Chapter 3- Hogan

…

…

Shultz left Klink's office. He was supposed to go and get Hogan so Klink could talk to him about something petty; the prisoners calling him a name. Shultz just wished that the Kommandant wouldn't be so sensitive. Then he might become general. Shultz stopped to think about it. No, that wouldn't even help the German officer.

He entered the barracks. Kinch, Carter and Newkirk were playing cards. Carter and Newkirk looked suspiciously at Shultz. Who backed away slightly. He looked at Lebeau who was hoping Shultz was going to tell him something. Shultz looked at Kinch the only one who wasn't a threat to him. "Kinch, where is Colonel Hogan?"

Kinch sensed a tension but didn't know what it was. "He's in his quarters, Shultz."

"Thank you!" Shultz turned and walked to the colonel's quarters.

Once Shultz was gone Kinch leaned into the table. "What was that all about?"

Newkirk and Carter spoke in unison. "Nothing." Then they looked at one another suspicious that the other knew the others secret.

Shultz entered Hogan's quarters. "Colonel Hogan-"

Hogan leapt forward yanked the large man into the room and shut the door. He then ran back to his desk and began shoving things into his drawers.

"Colonel Hogan, what are you doing?"

"Sh!" Hogan covered Shultz's mouth with his hand.

Shultz looked over to the desk and saw small army figurines and small fighter plane models.

Hogan removed his hand from Shultz's mouth once he was sure the sergeant wouldn't say anything, then proceeded to put away the toys.

Shultz smiled. He was glad to know that the American officer had a childish side to him. Then he got thinking about how he gives Carter a hard time. He chuckled lightly. "O-ho, Colonel Hogan-"

"Shultz, you can't tell a soul! Especially my men!" Hogan was so serious that Shultz nearly laughed, but thought better of it. "If they found out that I play with toy soldiers and fighter planes, they'll think I'm not fit to be their leader!"

Shultz straightened. "I know nothing!"

"Make sure it stays that way!" Hogan's voice was a harsh whisper.

Shultz knew he was in trouble. How was he supposed to keep all these secrets? "Colonel Hogan, Please don't do this to me, I have two other secrets I have to keep!"

Hogan straightened and looked at the man in front of him. "Whose secrets?"

Shultz went to speak but stopped. He sighed and straightened. "I know nothing."

"You kept Carter's secret I know, but who else's are you keeping." Hogan thought back. "And you lied.

"I did?" Shultz didn't know he lied.

"Yeah, you said Carter didn't bring an animal into camp. He did. I found it in my bunk." Hogan said matter-of-factly. There was a lizard in his bunk.

"Oh I'm sorry Colonel Hogan. I didn't know." Shultz really didn't. All he thought Carter had was leaves. "All I thought Carter had was…" Shultz stopped. "I can't tell you."

Hogan rubbed his eyes. "Just don't tell them or anyone what you saw me doing. Got it?"

"Yes, Sir!" Shultz saluted Hogan then went to leave. He put his hand on the door handle then stopped. "Oh, Colonel Klink wants to see you. I almost forgot with all the distractions."

"Okay Shultz," Hogan turned back to his desk. "I'll be right there."

Shultz knew Hogan wanted to hide his toys. So he turned and left. Once outside the barracks he wiped his brow. This job was so stressful. He didn't see what the big deal was. He shrugged and went back to his post. Foreigners can be so strange.

[AN] Kinch's Turn


	4. Chapter 4 Kinch

Secret Hobbies -

Chapter 4- Kinch

…

…

Kinch sat in the barracks alone while the others were out cleaning up the compound. He figured now would be a good time to enjoy his favorite hobby. He placed the picture on the page and covered a corner of it with a piece of decoration. The page was very well decorated and appealing to the eyes. He had actually taken an art course so he knew the color combinations and arrangements that worked with certain pictures and other such elements and tricks. He loved this hobby, not only did it help him relax but it led him down memory lane as well. Scrap-booking was something women did but that didn't matter to him.

Just then the barracks door opened. He swept all the papers and pictures into the book closed it then stuffed it under the table on his lap. He was prepared just incase someone walked in. What he wasn't prepared for was forgetting something.

Shultz walked in. He looked around a bit. "None of the others are here?" he was cautious to avoid them for a while.

"No why? Looking for them? I think they're out cleaning up the compound." Kinch was eager to get rid of Shultz although he didn't want to show it. He glanced down at the table. There was some scraps on the table. 'Shoot!' He glanced up and Shultz then back at the scrap. Could he think of an excuse? A picture was out as well.

Shultz followed Kinch's gaze down to the table. He sighed. He knew what was coming next. Maybe he could pretend he didn't see it.

It was too late. Kinch knew he saw it. Kinch pulled the scrap-book out and showed it to Shultz.

"You do very nice work." Shultz said looking at the pages. Then it hit him. "Where did you get the camera for these?"

Kinch looked up at Shultz. "You sold it to us remember? Silk stockings?"

Shultz was guilty, so he'd say nothing.

"Shultz," Kinch looked at Shultz seriously.

Shultz sat down and prepared himself.

"You can't-"

"Tell anyone, I know!" Shultz said it without any emotion, as though he'd heard it everyday. That wasn't so. Just everyday for past three days. Today was the fourth day.

That took Kinch of guard. "How did you know what I was going to say?"

"I've heard it three times before." Shultz said.

"From who?" Kinch thought maybe it had to do with the others, and it did.

Shultz opened his mouth then shut it. "I know nothing!"

Kinch sat back and stared at the German sergeant. He wasn't amused. "Who?" He asked simply.

Shultz tried not to look Kinch in the eyes. The pressure was building up. He was sweating from the pressure. Shultz stood up abruptly and went for the door.

"Shultz! Promise you wont tell anyone!" Kinch stood at the table leaning over to stare Shultz in the face.

"Alright! I promise of course! Just let me go!" Shultz ran out of there before anymore secrets came to his attention.

Kinch sat back down and continued his work.

[AN] Lebeau now.


	5. Chapter 5 Lebeau

Secret Hobbies-

Chapter 5- Lebeau

…

…

Lebeau sat behind the barracks. Everyone had been acting so strange and it had something to do with Shultz. However he couldn't get anything out of the sergeant. So instead he'd figure he'd just work on his paranormal romance novel. He got to the part where Roxanne, who was in love with Barnabus, but was sought after by the Reverend Trask, was turned into the vampire by the witch, Angelique, who was actually Barnabus' wife. Angelique was a very jealous woman.

Lebeau thought it was a pretty good story and different too. However there was no way he'd share it with the guys they'd probably think he was ridiculous for writing paranormal romance stories.

Shultz was patrolling around the compound when he saw Lebeau sitting behind the barracks with a pad of paper and pencil. Lebeau was pretty far through the paper.

Shultz came up behind him and read what he was writing. It was as story. Shultz read some of it. It looked like a romance story. Shultz knew what would happen if Lebeau caught him reading it. It was a secret otherwise he wouldn't be alone. He slowly began to back away. He almost made it. He went to turn the corner of the barracks when he heard Lebeau gasp. "Shultz! Did you peek?"

Shultz turned back to the little Frenchman. "I didn't read much, honest! Romance stories put me to sleep anyway!"

Lebeau jumped up from where he sat and walked up to Shultz. "You can't tell they others about this Shultz!"

Shultz was about ready to explode from the pressure. "Oh Lebeau please don't make me!"

For a small Frenchman, Lebeau could have quite a glare.

Shultz practically cowered at the glare. "Oh, alright!" He turned and fled before Lebeau could add anymore pressure to him.

However Lebeau followed him. "Hey Shultz wait,"

Shultz turned.

"Why did it make you want to fall asleep?" Lebeau was asking for constructive criticism now.

"Oh it's just that all romance stories do, or they make me cry. I didn't read enough of your story to know if it would make me cry or put me to sleep."

"Well, do you want to read more of it?" Lebeau handed Shultz the pad of paper.

Shultz was too filled with pressure to read it. The more he knew the more he'd have to keep a secret. He handed the pad of paper back to Lebeau. "No that's alright Lebeau, the less I know the better, for both of us!" Shultz turned and left.

Great now Lebeau wants him to get deeper into his secret hobby. What was with this week? Why were they doing this to him? He should have asked Lebeau for the strudel he didn't get a few days ago. But Lebeau probably would have made him read his story for it or something. Shultz hated secrets.

Shultz just hoped that the pressure didn't get any worse than it already was otherwise he may not be able to keep from spilling all the secrets.

Just then all the men came out of the barracks. Shultz went to turn around but Lebeau was coming at him. He looked from the group to the Frenchman. He was trapped!

"Shultz!" The five men called his name in unison.

Shultz was backed up to the barracks wall. He was surrounded by them. There was nothing he could do. The only thing he could do was tell them everything. "Alright! Carter collects leaves!"

Carter's shock was so evident he thought he'd swallow his own tongue.

"Newkirk sews doll clothes!" Shultz then pointed his finger at Newkirk who in turn lunged at the sergeant but was held back by the other men.

"Colonel Hogan plays with toy soldiers and fighter planes!"

Hogan rubbed his eyes in frustration when Shultz told his secret.

"Kinch Scrap-books!"

Kinch slapped his forehead.

"And Lebeau writes romance stories!"

Lebeau bunched his fists up and ended up crushing his pad of paper in frustration.

Shultz cowered in against the wall.

There was silence as everyone was so angry. Or were they?

"You write Lebeau?" Newkirk asked interested.

"You sew dolls clothes? Hey my cousin has tons of dolls do you think you could sew her some, Newkirk? Lebeau asked Newkirk with excitement.

"You scrap-book? I'll have to check it out sometime." Hogan said to Kinch.

"You play with toy soldiers too?" Carter asked Hogan hoping for a play-mate.

"You collect leaves? I'll have to see your collection. Mind if I take a look at them? I could use them for scrap-booking." Kinch was interested in Carter's collection as well.

None of the men were angry when they found out the others were interested in their hobbies as much as they were.

Shultz was tortured with secrecy for no reason at all? Shultz stood. There was one more secret that had to be told. "That's not all."

The men looked at him.

"Hilda is the World Champion for Log Rolling." Shultz said clearing his chest of the last secret.

The men were astounded, amazing, and very interested. "No, way! Really? That's incredible!"

"Yeah, log rolling is very hard! You have to have very good balance." Carter said matter-of-factly.

And so Shultz retreated to his post while the men chattered about their hobbies and how much fun they are. Lebeau even gave them the low-down on his story, which they thought was very interesting.

And they all lived happily ever after! And Hilda beat all of them at log-rolling, keeping her title.

The end.


End file.
